


What Happens on Miranda

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:34:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9574046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: What happened after the fight Lister mentions in Marooned.





	

  
Todhunter lay naked on the overstarched sheets of his bed in the Holiday Inn. Planet leave on Miranda had not got off to the best of starts, but he was hoping things were about to improve dramatically.

The plan had been simple. Apply for planet leave; make his way down to the surface along with the rest of the several hundred other crew who were escaping for a few days of fun; check into the hotel; meet some other officers for a drink; and then go back to the hotel for the secret rendezvous that was actually the true reason for the entire trip.

It had all gone smoothly until he had reached the bar. He had been enjoying a well-aged scotch on the rocks with his colleagues, when the sound of a horribly familiar nasal voice across the room had made his ears prick up and the hair on the back of his neck rise.

“I don’t think _you’re_ in any position to be insulting _me_ , Miladdio. Not when it’s common knowledge what you get up to in your spare time.”  
“Wass that s’posed to mean?”

Half afraid to even look, Todunter twisted in his seat to see what was going on. The idea of finding himself in the middle of a brawl was not pleasant, but it wasn’t the main thing concerning him. If Rimmer was here, then it was very likely because he’d followed someone else here. And if Rimmer was about to get his teeth knocked out, it was all too likely that…

“Nothing! Nothing! He didn’t mean anything, did you, man?”  
“Oh, he knows exactly what I mean. You all know exactly what I mean.”  
“And wass that?”  
“You want me to come right out and say it? In public?”  
“Yeah.”  
“ _No_. Rimmer, I really don’t think you should…”  
“Fine. You like your job in the ship’s morgue a little too much. In fact, you like your customers a little too much.”  
“Rimmer, stop talking. Please stop talking.”  
“You, sonny, are a necrophiliac.”  
“Oh my god.”  
“I’m a what?”  
“You like to bone dead people!”

In the next few seconds, everything seemed to go in slow motion. McWilliams grabbed a bottle and smashed it onto a nearby table. Lister ducked to avoid flying shards of broken glass. Todhunter jumped out of his seat. Rimmer wheeled around and zoomed out of the doors, so fast his feet were a blur. Lister straightened up, and came face to chin with McWilliams and his friends. He tried a feeble grin. “Sorry about that, guys. He’s…er…not all there, y’know. No hard feelings.”  
“Maybe he’s not all there,” McWilliams growled, “But he ain’t even a little bit here, and you are.”  
“Hey, I didn’t say anything! I’ve got no beef with you.”  
“Yeah, well I got beef with the company you keep.” He waved the broken bottle under Lister’s nose, “So I reckon we’re gonna send your mate a little message. Carved into your face.”

“That’s quite enough.” Todhunter stepped between them, firmly pushing the arm and the bottle away from Lister’s face. “We’re all here for the same reason - to enjoy a quiet drink and take a little time to relax away from work. So let’s get back to doing that and have no more of this nonsense. I don’t want to have to go into official mode and start putting people on report before the weekend’s even begun.”  
“Well,” McWilliams shrugged, “Maybe you’re right. I don’t wanna go on report.” He turned to look at his friends, “Lads, do you want to go on report?”  
“Nah.”  
“Nah, Bill.”  
“Well then. Guess maybe we should all settle down and go back to our drinks.”  
“Good man. Let’s do that.” Todhunter turned to walk away. McWilliams grabbed his arm and yanked him back, pulling him nose to nose. “Or maybe,” he rumbled, “We ain’t on board no more. And you can’t tell us what to do down here. _Frank_.”

Todhunter gulped. There was a second of utter silence across the entire bar that seemed to last an eternity. And then a voice, a lone melodious scouse voice that could only belong to one person, rang out in the silence like a heavenly trumpet and bellowed, “ _RUMBLE_!!!”

And the world exploded.

Lister grabbed a chair and hurled it towards McWilliams. He dropped Todhunter to duck, the chair sailed over their heads and crashed into the group sitting behind, who threw their table aside and charged, knocking McWilliams and his cronies into the table behind Lister, who had already dived out of the way. While the three tangled groups thrashed and fought, other tables piling in to help their friends, Lister grabbed hold of Todhunter’s arm and pulled him up off the floor. “Come on! Let’s get out of here!” They ran for the door with the rest of the crowd who’d decided they wanted no part in the fight, the sound of breaking wood and smashing glass echoing behind them. “Oi!” McWilliams roared behind them, “They’re getting away!” He and his friends started extricating themselves from the fray to make chase. Quick as a flash, Lister upended the nearest table and kicked it, sending it spinning towards them and knocking them down like bowling pins. “Leg it!” he yelled to Todhunter and they scrambled for the exit.

They burst out onto the street and turned to face each other. “Split up,” Lister ordered, “I’ll see you at the rendezvous point.”  
“You know, I’m starting to think you’ve done this before.”  
Lister grinned, then a chair flew through the bar window and crashed onto the pavement beside them. They looked at it, then looked at each other, and chorused in agreement. “Run!”

When Todhunter finally jogged up to the entrance of the hotel, Lister was waiting in the porch. He was bent over with his hands on his knees, panting. He looked up and smiled impishly. “Y’know I was hoping to get some exercise this weekend but I wasn’t expecting it to take this form.”  
“Don’t tell me you’ve exhausted yourself for the night. That would be a terrible shame.”  
“I’m sure I’ll perk up. Smeg, I’ve really got to quit smoking though.” He patted his chest.  
“Come on. Let’s get inside.”

Lister picked up his bag from the reception desk, where he’d stashed it before heading out, and after a furtive glance around to make sure none of their fellow crew members were about, they slipped into the lift and headed up to their room.

Lister took his bag and disappeared into the bathroom, promising ‘a surprise’ while Todhunter waited impatiently on the bed. “I can’t believe we’ve been planning this weekend for months, and you nearly put an end to the whole thing before it was started by getting into a scrap,” he complained at Lister through the wall.  
“Don’t blame me. It was Rimmer who started it.”  
“You shouldn’t have got involved.”  
“I wasn’t just going to stand there and watch him get clobbered.”  
“Maybe it would have taught him a lesson.”  
“Frank, do you seriously think this is the first time he’s ever ordered himself a knuckle sandwich in a situation like this? He doesn’t learn. He never does.” There was a pause. “I’m still gonna tear him a new one for doing a runner though. The weaselly smegger.”  
“That’s nothing compared to what I’m going to do to McWilliams and his cronies when we get back on board. The second they step foot on Red Dwarf, I’m going to come down on them like a farmhouse on the Wicked Witch of the West.”  
“East.”  
“Whatever. Are you done in there?”  
“Calm down, calm down. I’m nearly ready. Smeg, that fight’s really got you riled up, hasn’t it?”  
“I suppose it got the old adrenaline going.”  
“I thought it was kinda romantic,” Lister purred, “The way you came storming over to protect me. You know, before you nearly got your face rearranged.”  
“Well, I don’t know if romantic is the word I’d use, but watching you cheerfully instigate a riot to get us out of there was certainly…something.”  
“Don’t be so coy. I know you love a bad boy.”  
“Is that what you are?” Todhunter teased.  
“That’s me. Bad, bad, bad to the bone.”  
“Get out here,” Todhunter demanded, his cock twitching impatiently.  
“Okay. If you think you can handle it.”

The bathroom door creaked open and Lister posed provocatively in the doorway. Todhunter gulped. “What do you think?” Lister asked huskily.  
“I…can’t believe it,” he whispered.  
“You like?” Lister fluttered his eyelashes.  
“When I told you about that dream, I didn’t expect you to…”  
“If there’s one thing you should have learned about me by now Frank,” Lister sauntered over to the bed, “It’s to expect the unexpected.”  
“That’s a smegging understatement. God…”

Todhunter reached out with one trembling hand. Lister stood before him in a scandalously short cream silk slip. A posing pouch in matching material cocooned his heavy endowments. A lace suspender belt and sheer lace-topped stockings completed the ensemble. Todhunter sat up and caressed Lister’s hip, feeling the silk slide against his warm skin, and closed his eyes with a soft sigh. “Oh, Dave. You are such a bad boy.”  
Lister took the hand and used it to push him back across the bed, then climbed on top of him, his movements as graceful and predatory as a panther. Todhunter groaned at the feel of silk and lace against his naked skin. “Take it easy,” Lister bent down to kiss him, “We don’t want this dream ending too soon, do we?” Todhunter grasped him tight and ran his hands down the length of his body, exploring the luscious treat of silk-wrapped Lister from head to toe. “Oh, believe me. I am going to make this _last_ ,” he promised, his voice rough with desire.

They rolled around on the bed, kissing, stroking, fondling. Todhunter lost himself in bringing Lister’s gorgeously imprisoned cock to a stand in its delicate silk sheath. At some point, the posing pouch disappeared altogether. Todhunter wasn’t sure afterwards if one of them had actually removed it, or if it had just exploded under the pressure. He didn’t care.

“You are so incredible,” he panted between kisses as Lister straddled him. He instinctively thrust upwards, grasping Lister's thighs to steady him, his thumbs caressing the hot tender flesh just above the lace of the stockings, then moving up to trace along his balls and the length of his cock. Lister moaned, his hips squirming at the touch, a strap falling coquettishly from one shoulder. The sight was almost too much for Todhunter and his pelvis bucked again, harder this time. “You drive me so crazy,” he gasped. He pushed himself up to a sitting position and wrapped Lister in his arms, kissing him hard. “I can’t believe that less than an hour ago you were hurling furniture around in a bar room brawl, and now you’re sat here in my lap dressed in the prettiest, daintiest lingerie like you’re made of sugar and spice.”  
“Hey, get yourself a guy who can do both, Frankie," Lister panted, "That’s what I say.”  
“You’re unreal.”  
“Oh, I’m real,” Lister promised, “I’m as real as can be, and I’m all yours.”  
“I need you,” Todhunter whispered, “I can’t wait any longer. I need to be in you.”  
  
Lister pushed him down flat on his back and reached under the pillow, sliding out a ready-placed condom and a tube of lube. He pushed the tube into Todhunter’s hand, “Here. Warm this up.” Then he eased downwards and quickly rolled the bright red sheath down over Todhunter’s achingly stiff erection. He gave the head a quick experimental suck, making Frank writhe beneath him. “Mmm…strawberry flavour.”  
“Dammit all, Dave.” Todhunter sat up, climbing up onto his knees. He kissed him again, tasting the ghost of synthetic fruit flavour on his lips. “Turn around,” he ordered, and Lister swivelled obediently. Todhunter wrapped his arms around him, kissing the back of his neck and letting his hands roam his silk-clad torso one last time before grasping the hem of the slip and pulling it up around Lister’s waist. With his free hand, he firmly took hold of Lister’s cock, and then rubbed the tip of his own along the crease of his buttocks. “Lube,” Lister reminded him breathlessly.  
“Oh, don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten.”

He let the slip fall again momentarily as he reached for the lube and slathered it generously over both hands. Then he reached back under the slip and squeezed Lister’s cock teasingly in his wet fist, making him groan and quiver. Keeping a tight hold of Lister's cock, he began to use the fingers of his other hand to stimulate and lightly finger the rim of his ass before penetrating him with one finger, then teasing gently again before skewering him with two, and feeling his cock pulse with every movement he made. “Oh god,” Lister was moaning, “Oh smeg. Frank, please. Smeg, just fuck me. _Please_.” Todhunter used the last of the lube left on his hands to coat his own cock and, without waiting to be asked again, buried himself in Lister with a grunt of deep satisfaction. Lister whimpered appreciatively, twisting his hips to take him deeper and making Todhunter moan in delight. “Is this as good as your dream?” Lister whispered.  
“Better,” Frank moaned, nipping his shoulder, “Infinitely better.”

He allowed Lister to ride him for a little while at first; sliding slowly up then down on his cock, controlling the rhythm and the depth of penetration until eventually it became too much. He tipped him forward onto his hands and knees, grasped his hips and thrust into him as deep as he could go. The sight of his cock disappearing into that beautiful ass, those rosy round buttocks framed with creamy white silk, the contrast of pale lace against dark skin, all combined to drive him to distraction. He pounded into him, at the same time intensifying his attentions on Lister’s cock, which had now swollen to truly epic proportions. "Smeg," Lister yelped through gritted teeth, "They teach you to fuck like this at the Academy?"  
"Damn right," Todhunter replied, quickening the pace yet further as he felt the tell-tale heat rising in his balls, "From day one. And I think you mean, 'They teach you to fuck like this at the Academy, _Sir_?'"  
"Ohhh...," Lister's body and voice were trembling, "I can't...Can't hold it...I'm gonna...I'm gonna...". He couldn't even finish the sentence before he finally erupted magnificently in ecstasy. Todhunter didn't stop, he kept going, milking every last drop from him and chasing his own fulfilment. He was still rutting into him even as Lister sank exhausted to the mattress. Within a few seconds more he was there; and the bliss as he emptied himself into his spent lover was transcendent. He collapsed on top of him in a tangle on the sheets; sweaty, sticky and satisfied.

“Oh man,” Lister panted beneath him, his body heaving with his gasps. The slip was almost transparent with sweat. “I don’t think I’m gonna be able to walk again for a month.”  
“Only a month?” Frank teased, getting in one last half-hearted thrust. Lister swatted him and with a final burst of effort managed to push himself up and roll Todhunter off him. He leaned over to retrieve some cigarettes from the nightstand, lit up, lay back, and blew a puff of smoke towards the ceiling. After a second, he used his free hand to pull the sweaty slip over his head and toss it to the floor, leaving him naked apart from the stockings and suspenders. “So, any other dreams you want to tell me about?” he asked, eyes twinkling.  
“I don’t know if it’s safe. After that, I’m not sure my heart can take any more.”  
“Nuts to your heart, man. What about my poor arse?”  
“Your gorgeous perfect strawberry-scented arse.”

Lister gigglesnorted, “I’m sure we can find other ways to entertain ourselves. After all, we’ve got all weekend.”  
“Well, now you mention it, I do have this other reoccurring dream.”  
“Mmmm…?”  
“I’m in a lift stuck between floors. And the only other person in there with me is this sexy third technician I’ve been fantasising about for months.”  
“Oh _really_?”  
“And Q shift are saying it’ll be at least ninety minutes before they can get us moving again.”  
“That’s a long time.”  
“It’s a long time to make small talk, certainly.”  
“What to do, what to do?”  
“What indeed.”  
“Maybe you should ask casually if he’s seeing anyone. Y’know, keep the small talk going.”  
“I do. And he says no. But there’s someone he’s noticed recently. Someone tall, dark and handsome who he seems to be seeing around a lot. There’s been some eye contact, a few flirty smiles. But it’s probably nothing.”  
“Yeah, probably nothing. Because that guy is way out of his league.”  
“That’s what he says. I tell him he’s being ridiculous. That he’s stunning and could have anyone he likes. Anyone at all. All he has to do is give them a sign.”  
“And then what happens?”  
“Well, somehow we go from making small talk to sucking each others cocks like ravenous animals.”  
“Call me crazy, but this story sounds kinda familiar.”  
“Really? I can’t possibly think why…”

  
** Three million years later **

Rimmer entered the sleeping quarters rubbing his face wearily. He’d just handed over control of the cockpit to the Cat and not a moment too soon. It had been a long shift and he’d been too tired to even reprimand the feline for putting his sticky ice cream tub down on top of the scanner screen when he came in.

The heating system on Starbug had been temperamental lately, and currently it was running on high. They didn’t have the right part yet to fix it, it would have to wait until they found a derelict. The heat didn’t bother Rimmer, he could feel it but it wasn’t uncomfortable, meanwhile Lister and Cat were doing whatever they could to keep cool, eating buckets of ice cream and turning just about every drinkable liquid on the ship into ice pops.

As Rimmer took a proper look around, he was startled to see a figure in a short silk slip bent over the sink. His heart did a quick flip and his tired brain cartwheeled. Why was there a woman in the sleeping quarters? And why was she in her underwear? Was it a shapeshifter? An alien? A psiren sent to seduce him?

The figure straightened up, rubbing its face dry with a threadbare towel and flipping long black plaits over its shoulder. Rimmer stared, confused and befuddled. It was Lister. Lister was standing in their quarters wearing women’s underwear. He caught sight of Rimmer in the mirror and greeted him casually, “Hey, man.” Just like that. As if there was nothing strange about this scenario in the slightest. Had his roommate finally gone space crazy?

“What are you doing?” Rimmer asked.  
“I’m getting ready for bed.”  
“But why on IO are you wearing that thing?”  
“What?” Lister looked down at himself, apparently a little offended, “Don’t you like it?”  
“Like it? Lister…What…Why…What?” Rimmer struggled for a moment to compute this before he saw Lister’s wicked grin.

“I’m pulling your chain, man. Relax. I thought it might be more comfy to wear in bed until we get the heating fixed.”  
“You can’t wear that!”  
“Why not?”  
“It’s a woman’s slip!”  
“No, it’s mine.”  
“Where did you get it?”  
“It was lying around the place. Thought I’d put it to use.”  
“But,” Rimmer stammered, “It’s inappropriate!”  
“Rimmer, we’re three million years into deep space. I don’t think the machismo police are going to descend on us and confiscate my bollocks for this.”

“You’re going peculiar,” Rimmer accused him with a warning finger, “I saw this coming. It’s all those dreadful chick flicks you insist on rotting your brain with. They’ve made you go sissy!”  
“Look, it’s over thirty degrees in here. Would you rather I slept naked?”  
Rimmer gulped. “Absolutely not!”  
“Then shut up and let me get my head down.” Lister brushed past him and spilled into the bunk across the room. The sheath bunched up, the white lace trim riding high up on Lister’s smooth exposed thighs. “Are you wearing anything at all under there?” Rimmer asked hoarsely as certain shapes became all too clearly visible under the flimsy fabric. “That would kinda defeat the point of wearing it,” Lister replied flippantly.  
Rimmer quickly forced himself to turn away. “Lights!” he shouted. He couldn’t look at that all night.

He collapsed into his own bed and stared fixedly at the wall. Damn Lister. He’d been exhausted when he came in, completely ready to sleep, but now his brain refused to switch off. The shadow of small dark nipples under sheer creamy silk lingered in his mind. Sheer slippery silk, that would slide so smoothly and fluidly over naked skin. He screwed his eyes shut and buried his fist in his mouth. Damn Lister.

In his own bunk, Lister squirmed in the darkness. He was partly trying to get comfy and find a relatively cool spot on the sheets, but he was also enjoying the luxurious feel of the silk against his skin. He’d only worn this once before, in a very memorable set of circumstances. He smiled to himself in the dark. Good old Frank. They'd had some fun. He'd been a fool to break things off really, but it was the same old story. He'd cut and run when things got too serious, just like he had with Lise, and so many others.

Well, at least this little memento of their brief fling had come in useful. What a shame it was wasted on present company. His smile widened. If Rimmer only knew what he had got up to in this little number, Lister didn't think his roommate would get a wink of sleep all night.

 

 

 


End file.
